Fear not! I have felt your pain, and, as in every crisis, the solution rests in the formation of a list. A playlist, in this case. Don't mind me as I cackle wildly, revelling in the knowledge that I am about to make your life so much better!!
(I wanna rock! (ROCK!) NAH-nah-nah-nana, NAH-nah-nah-nana!)
Behold! I give you disclaimers! What follows is by no means comprehensive. There are hundreds of songs that I am leaving out. I'm leaving them out because I don't like them as much. Also, I've made an effort to suggest some songs that aren't obvious choices, and place them alongside the songs you know are going to make an appearance. I promise to keep my diatribes to a minimum (I want you to be able to read this post in one sitting, after all. And one final caveat: if you rocked during the 80s, chances are some of your output could be classified as glam/hair metal. There are several bands on this list who have had hits outside of this decade. Let's not...wait for it...split hairs (yikes!). All of these songs rock--give them a listen, and you will, too!
Re-behold! I give you June's list...Thunder Gods: The Top 50 Glam/Hair Metal Songs You Can Rock Out To
50. Girlschool--Britny Fox (best hair metal song by a band with a female porn star name)
49. Bang Your Head (Metal Health)--Quiet Riot
48. In My Dreams--Dokken
47. (You Can Still) Rock in America--Night Ranger (my own post-9/11 anthem)
46. Turbo Lover--Judas Priest (oh, the levels!)
45. Fallen Angel--Poison
44. Shout at the Devil--Motley Crue (SHOUT! naah! SHOUT! naah! SHOUT! nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-NAAAH!)
43. Up All Night--Slaughter
42. Cherry Pie--Warrant
41. Turn Up the Radio--Autograph (I suggest you do what the nice man says.)
40. Big Bottom--Spinal Tap
We're just getting started!
39. Don't Treat Me Bad--FireHouse
38. Smooth Up in Ya--Bulletboys (Who says romance is dead?)
37. Bad Medicine--Bon Jovi
36. Rock Me--Great White
35. Jump--Van Halen
34. Bohemian Rhapsody--Bad News (In which Brian May, Bad News' record producer, butchers his own solo.)
Can't...type...laughing too...hard!!!!
33. Hot for Teacher--Van Halen (G-R-E-A-T video and even greater line: "I don't feel tardy.")
32. Shot in the Dark--Ozzy Osbourne
31. Holy Diver--Dio
30. Rock the Night--Europe (I think these Swedes are underrated because they're terrifyingly pretty. Joey Tempest might be modelesque, but he's got a voice! And watching them cavort around Stockholm's Hard Rock Cafe in this video is just silly fun.)
29. Down Boys--Warrant
28. Somebody Save Me--Cinderella
27. Fool for Your Loving--Whitesnake (Originally written for B. B. King. Not a lie.)
26. Coming of Age--Damn Yankees (This might be about incest. It is still awesome.)
25. Seventeen--Winger
This is starting to get difficult. Like, "pick which puppy you want" difficult.
24. Armageddon It--Def Leppard (my favorites make their first of 3 appearances!)
23. Let's Put the X in Sex--KISS (Sleaze never sounded quite so nice...)
22. Yankee Rose--David Lee Roth (See my "song lyrics" list for why this song is awesome.)
21. Bang Bang--Danger Danger (the other big song these guys had was "Naughty Naughty"...I guess the double-naming well ran dry pretty quickly.)
20. Edge of a Broken Heart--Vixen (Hello, ladies!!)
19. Dreams--Van Halen (or Van Hagar, if you're a purist--and if you're a purist, you're a fucking snob.)
18. Poison--Alice Cooper (I am such a badass when I sing along to this in my car. You will have to take my word on that.)
17. Wait--White Lion (another overly pretty bunch of foreigners!)
16. Girls Girls Girls--Motley Crue (The fact that I wanted to be the girls in this video when I was little speaks volumes about my neuroses.)
15. Photograph--Def Leppard (Hello, lads!!)
14. Shake Me--Cinderella (PHILLY IN THE HOUSE!)
13. Round and Round--Ratt (Milton Berle is in this video. I'm not joking!!)
12. Cum on Feel the Noize--Quiet Riot (heheheheh...Noize.)
11. Here I Go Again--Whitesnake (the ALBUM edit, not the watered down radio cut.)
Here goes...my TOP 10.
10. Youth Gone Wild--Skid Row (Sebastian Bach might be a doughy d-bag nowadays, but I would defend him as the best singer to come out of this genre. Period.)
9. Talk Dirty to Me--Poison (Playing air guitar along with coke-era C.C. DeVille is a guaranteed pick-me-up...no coke needed.)
8. You Give Love a Bad Name--Bon Jovi (At your next party, combine Jager with whatever you're shooting and call it a "Shot Thru the Heart.")
7. Kiss Me Deadly--Lita Ford (To be honest, I wouldn't know how else to kiss her.)
6. Rock You Like a Hurricane--The Scorpions (Premium Saltines used this song in an ad recently, and I thought it made saltines so much cooler.)
5. I Wanna Rock--Twisted Sister (I don't know what to add. Dee Snider & Co. kind of sum it all up, don't they?)
4. The Final Countdown--Europe (You know this song, even if you don't think you know this song. Sing with me! Neh-neh-NEH-neh! Neh-neh- NEH - NEH - NEH! Neh-neh-NEH-neh! Neh-neh- NEH - NEH - NEH - NEH - NEHHH! See? Told you you know this song.)
3. Living on a Prayer--Bon Jovi (Okay, okay...this one's a gimme. What self-respecting list of awesome songs would dare leave this one out?)
2. Still of the Night--Whitesnake (David Coverdale named his group after his own penis. And then wrote a 6-and-a-half minute song about getting it on. I guess if you were dating 1987-era Tawny Kitaen, you might do the same thing. She probably rewarded him by doing walkovers on his Jags. Heheheh...that sounds dirty.)
And the NUMBER ONE MUST-HAVE GLAM/HAIR METAL TRACK is...
1. Pour Some Sugar on Me--Def Leppard.
DUH.
"But, Tara," I hear you lament, "where are the power ballads? Here you've listed fifty tracks proving that glam metal had more testosterone than it knew what to do with. But these boys (and girls) had softer sides. How dare you ignore that? HOW DARE YOUUUUUU?"
To which I say:
Calm down. That's July's list, bitches!
WATCH THIS SPACE.
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