Horror Is Sick and Living in the Netherlands

So...I had a horror-movie weekend. I saw the redux of A Nightmare on Elm Street on Saturday night. I had to mull my opinion over. When I first saw the remake of Friday the 13th, I thought I pretty much liked it. Then, as it turned out, I actually hated it. One subsequent viewing confirmed it--it sucked. I wanted to let my popcorn-goggles wear off, because, even when a movie is mediocre, I love GOING TO THE MOVIES. I've always loved the Nightmare series more dearly than the Fridays, and I didn't want to make a hasty decision. Freddy deserves better than that.


Unfortunately, this Nightmare deserves no better than a C+. You have your standard bad actors (and they're bad, which now counts even more against a movie because I have chosen acting as my vocation and can number in the dozens friends that could act rings around the pretty little things in pretty much any horror movie). No surprise there. But that takes a partial-mark off the top. So we stand at an A- so far.

You have a handful of kills that aren't nearly as cool as they should be--2 of the kills in the original 1984 film (Tina's and Glen's, namely) are still 2 of the best kills in horror cinema. But if you're going to remake a movie that featured a young Johnny Depp getting pulled into his own mattress and being bloodily vomited back up again, you better BRING IT. This movie didn't. That's a full grade off. So we're down to a B-.

And then there's the backstory: Krueger worked at a pre-school where all his future victims matriculated. He did creepy things to them. The parents lynched Freddy, burning him alive. So far, so good. Then they pull this shit: the parents somehow forcibly repressed their children's memories. How the fuck does any abuse victim have their memories repressed FOR them? Odd. Unacceptable. And just plain stupid. Kudos to trying to flesh out the backstory, but it failed. Partial-grade deduction. We're at C+.

Now, let's talk about the man of the hour (and a half): Jackie Earle Haley, getting (and deserving) top billing, as Freddy Krueger. I actually like his makeup better than the 80s incarnation...it's a bit grosser, meltier, more ragged. It works for the boogeyman. They gave him a great line (IMHO): "The brain stays active for 7 minutes after the heart stops beating. So we have 6 minutes to play." EEEEUUUGGGHHH. Creepy! I like it! However...after that line (which happened in the 3rd kill of the movie, the Rod-figure of Jesse), I wanted Freddy to shut up and start doing his job--namely, killing these godawful kids who need to shut up and start doing their job--dying. PLEASE--my killers don't need to provide the play-by-play...I can see the screen well enough. We'll get to a madman who does talk a lot, and it WORKS, in just a second. Dear Freddy: less talky, more killy. Full-grade deduction. You stand on the precipice of a fail...at a D+

You know what saves you, Nightmare 2010? The fucking NIGHTMARES. Well done! They jump locales with the randomness of the subconscious and there are plenty of jump points (or there were for me, anyway). The snow in the bedroom segueing to the snowy front yard of the preschool was my favorite. And the squeal of Freddy's talons against the metal/chalkboard actually sounded real. Cue gooseflesh. Full grade boost. And we land at our destination: C+. It's a smidge above average, granted...but not much. Don't get cocky and give us another Freddy's Revenge or I will recant this entire review. I swear I will.

Moving on.

So...the movie I'm about to talk about is not--I repeat, NOT--for everyone. I was glad to find it on demand through Time Warner Cable, because I really wasn't sure if I could see it in a theatre. Much better to have the pause key handy, just in case.

Nightmare and Friday have a certain mass appeal. There isn't a lot of brain wave activity required, and they follow a certain formula laid out during the slasher golden age of the late 1970s-early 1980s. This next movie has a formulaic setup: 2 beautiful female tourists are heading through the German countryside to get to a club (a necessary evil, plot-wise...I mean, what clubowner in their right mind decides that the sticks is the right place for their hot, happening new establishment?) to party with cute boys, and they get a flat tire. They make their way to the uber-secluded haunt of the Sickest Man on Earth: Dr. Heiter. But that's where any attempt of this film to fit into an equation ends.

I can only imagine what it was like to play a role like this. Firstly, he's demented. Secondly, he spends the better part of the film in the company of his "creation." Thirdly, he has a memorial marker in his garden for "Mein Lieber Drei-Hund"...that's "My sweet 3-dog" in German. That's right, pet lovers...Dr. Heiter's human experiment was preceded by a canine version.

At this point, you may know of what movie I speak. Dutch director Tom Six's feat of insanity, The Human Centipede: First Sequence. (A sequel, Human Centipede: Full Sequence, is in production and will be unleashed upon us in 2011.)

If the premise wasn't enough to turn your stomach (mine was in knots, and I think I have a pretty high tolerance for on-screen depravity), Deiter Laser as the mad scientist will be. He stalks through this movie with a preternatural calm and assurance in the very rightness of his experiment. Blood and guts are gross; a madman with faith in his righteousness is horrifying. He also has the majority of the dialogue (especially after fusing our beautiful female tourists together so that all you can hear are their pleading, pained whimpers) in the movie. And it works. I defy anyone to say that Dr. Heiter's admonition to "Feed her! FEED HER!" is not one of the scariest moments in the film. Here's the thing that makes Dr. Heiter's speeches so much more effective than the barbs Freddy Krueger slings: Freddy is trying to be scary. Dr. Heiter is matter-of-fact, and if it happens to cause you to question the existence of God, so much the better.


SPOILER ALERT! That's right, I used that phrase. But, just in case you wanted to see this movie for yourself, you shouldn't read any further because I'm going to tell you what happens at the end!

Tom Six, you are one sick motherfucker. Considering Herr Doktor gets a bullet in the brain, and our "middle piece" is left to literally eat shit and die (sorry, I had to go there), how in the ever-loving hell are you going to set up this sequel??? And am I a sick MF to say that I'm curious enough to see it when it finally comes out? I might even forgo the pause key and see it in the theatre.

WATCH THIS SPACE....IF YOU DARE!!! (muahahahahahaha....)